Scottish Wedding!

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white”

2010 Darwinian Awards

Your wait with Anticipation is finally over!   We have a German winner.  Without further ado!

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with baited breath, so without further ado here are the 2010 Darwin awards.

8th Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Xxxxxxx, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.  People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him.  It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him.  Xxxxxxxx was pronounced dead at a hospital.

5th Place
Santiago Xxxxxxxx, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing.  Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

4th Place
Sylvester Xxxxxxx, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

3rd Place
After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store.  The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was
standing at the counter.  Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired.  The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop.  The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds.  Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.  No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m.  So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen.  Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed

RUNNER UP
Kerry Xxxxxxx had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.  Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.  Xxxxxxx, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby.  They secured one end around Xxxxxxx's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge.  His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle.  He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.  Xxxxxxx's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Xxxxxxx (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.  The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Xxxxxxx to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.  It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 'shit happens'.

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL!

Three Dead Bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. 

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner. 

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.' 

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'  

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'  

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.  

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

Adult Truths

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 

6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 

10. Bad decisions make good stories. 

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. 

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

True Love and Golf

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. 
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and  breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh , Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." 

Nag, nag, nag!

A lawyer arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client. His last minute plea for clemency had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him:

"What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it " . . . . . . and on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured

himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub - - pursued by his wife and her predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.

Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, and how terribly inconsiderate she had been, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

  
"They're not hanging Wright tonight!" she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

Ghost Sex

A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands. 
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand. 
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands. 
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The  professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. 
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

Welfare Cheque

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.  You know...., I just HATE drawing welfare.  I'd really rather have a job." 
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
  "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. 
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

Grandparents

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is?

 

Well here it is:

 

 A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter.

 

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay In bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.

 

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.

 

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'

 

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? ......... We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'

 

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

New game!

Nintendo have just brought a game out  where a

14yr old boy runs around the streets of Glasgow smashing cars, stabbing people & robbing houses...........

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's called……

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Wii Bastard!

Light-hearted Banter

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43,  who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13^th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
   
Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.
  
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.   Nothing. 

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
    
2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread  for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

Ponder This!

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licence of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea , does that mean that one enjoys it?

A few jokes to end the year!

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

**********

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. 

**********

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' 

************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.

************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' 

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' 

**********
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.  

How Times have changed! For the Better?

Just for laughs!

Marriage

Marriage is like a deck of cards....................
 
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end..............


you'll wish you had a club and a spade.....

The Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.  The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his   current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.So off they went to her car and had a quickie.  
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."She asked him "Did you dance much ?"
"I'll tell you," he replied, "I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to..."

Jokes that can be told in church

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied,

'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life..'
The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,

'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!

Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, a nd started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray,

'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late

...But please don't shove me either!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says,

'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50..'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married , she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,

'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem ... A small child replied,

'They couldn't get a baby-sitter. '
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is t here a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs..Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'

Little Johnny responded,

'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other,

'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?

'The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how  Santa Claus  turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this ....times are tough right now...for all of us...so we need something to make the day a happy place. "They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.

Italian Bride

Anna had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;
'Don't worry, Anna, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
  

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
  
Anna ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Anna,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests..Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you..'
  
So, up she went again..

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Anna ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
  
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
  
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Anna saw this, she ran downstairs.

'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
               

Her Mama said,

'Stay here and stir the pasta.'