Some little- and well-known sayings!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. However, I was not best pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed but fine against a wall.'Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books as you may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife you'll become happy, if you get a bad one you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four, essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan

I don't feel old, I don't feel anything until noon, then it's time for my nap.
Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal