Lighten Up!

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week the forms will only be printed in English.


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."


Wife says to husband "u only ever want sex when ur drunk"husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"

A young Arab asks his father: - What is this weird hat that we are wearing.
Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!
And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!
And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!
Tell me, papa? - Yes, my son?- Then, why the f**k are we living in Bradford?

My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive bottom.

I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro! take off all your croase, get down & craw reery reery fast to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fast back"
As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man"
She says "God whats Ed Zachary disease"
Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery like your ass.

Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but when you see a black women eating a banana you think of the discovery channel.

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike

Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.

A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!

An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool.
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no f**king idea they had a job centre!

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees,
Apparently she'd stood him up

Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"

A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I can’t find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? The woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with boobs like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out. They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles  that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!