An Italian lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Irishmen are so dumb that he could put something over on them easily...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game.
The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The Italian lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500. The Irishman pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks,
'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with the Irish.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Lighten Up 92! - Cussing at Work
Cussing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Lighten Up 91! - Scottish Economy
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,”says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
“Six pence,” says the chemist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence,”says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
“We’ll have a new one.
Friday, July 24, 2009
The Amazing Scotsman
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the same salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign (for the same circus) and the same sign that read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive… much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.
Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with the Scotsman, after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something.... You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
''Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."
Judge Judy
Taken from the TV show Judge Judy:
Judge to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'
Judge to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'
Soi LK Metro July 2009 - 2
Apologies for a lack of posts, jokes and so on.
It took a while to recover from the party on 16th and I know, I'm useless, I still haven't got around to uploading some of the photos. I will try and do that in the next couple of days.
Generally, Pattaya is quiet. As I mentioned elsewhere there are lots of ads of businesses for sale. The local Thai press is reporting poor tourist figures but what's new about that?
In the street, Lida Bar seems to be winding down after a few months in operation. The Blue Moon closes early most evenings and FCUK Inn hasn't opened for the last few nights. I believe a sale is imminent.
Bulldogs around the corner from us as you go towards Champagne hasn't opened up again, having closed down a couple of months ago. REDZ and The Haven trickle along as does 3-Som which is next to the RockHouse. There does seem to be a bit of activity now and then around the bottom corner where MaiLuSi, Irish Rovers, Kilkenny and Billabong are, but not to the extent where people are elbowing their way around!
For the most part the places that always seem to get punters are still doing so but numbers reflect the season. On the night of the party we had a good crowd in and everybody enjoyed the food and music. It was a bit of a highlight in an otherwise ordinary month. As usual, I got the food from Juice in Soi Lengkee and it was good as usual.
Since the last post about the street, bookings for August have increased and while we are down on last year still, the gap has narrowed significantly. September and October are also filling up nicely - let's see what happens.
In the press there has been chatter about scams at the airport, trouble with tourist visas in Penang and just this week the local constabulary have unearthed a couple more pedophiles.
Around the corner the interior of the former Diana Millennium has been completely gutted. No news yet on who is doing it and to what end.
On a trawl of numerous venues the other night which included 3-Som, Rockhouse, Sweethearts, Paradise, Mirage, Gentleman's Club, Goodfellas, Mixx, Peaches, and several others the names of which I don't / didn't know, there were not all that many guests except in Mixx which seemed to be full of M.E. customers.
Current guests in Metro Apartments tell me that Big C and Central Festival are quite empty and that you'd miss people even if you had a blunderbuss.
The wife and kids are currently visiting her village and family while I toil away here in Pattaya - but then again somebody's got to do it!!
On a personal matter and as there are a few people who read this who will want to know - I went to get my back sorted with Nigel. A nice bloke who poked and prodded me several times, he obviously knows what he's doing. After a few visits the backache has improved a bit but not been fixed completely. I need a couple of more sessions but can't seem to find the time. I do nonetheless recommend him to people who ask. There!
That's all for now - except for a few jokes.
It took a while to recover from the party on 16th and I know, I'm useless, I still haven't got around to uploading some of the photos. I will try and do that in the next couple of days.
Generally, Pattaya is quiet. As I mentioned elsewhere there are lots of ads of businesses for sale. The local Thai press is reporting poor tourist figures but what's new about that?
In the street, Lida Bar seems to be winding down after a few months in operation. The Blue Moon closes early most evenings and FCUK Inn hasn't opened for the last few nights. I believe a sale is imminent.
Bulldogs around the corner from us as you go towards Champagne hasn't opened up again, having closed down a couple of months ago. REDZ and The Haven trickle along as does 3-Som which is next to the RockHouse. There does seem to be a bit of activity now and then around the bottom corner where MaiLuSi, Irish Rovers, Kilkenny and Billabong are, but not to the extent where people are elbowing their way around!
For the most part the places that always seem to get punters are still doing so but numbers reflect the season. On the night of the party we had a good crowd in and everybody enjoyed the food and music. It was a bit of a highlight in an otherwise ordinary month. As usual, I got the food from Juice in Soi Lengkee and it was good as usual.
Since the last post about the street, bookings for August have increased and while we are down on last year still, the gap has narrowed significantly. September and October are also filling up nicely - let's see what happens.
In the press there has been chatter about scams at the airport, trouble with tourist visas in Penang and just this week the local constabulary have unearthed a couple more pedophiles.
Around the corner the interior of the former Diana Millennium has been completely gutted. No news yet on who is doing it and to what end.
On a trawl of numerous venues the other night which included 3-Som, Rockhouse, Sweethearts, Paradise, Mirage, Gentleman's Club, Goodfellas, Mixx, Peaches, and several others the names of which I don't / didn't know, there were not all that many guests except in Mixx which seemed to be full of M.E. customers.
Current guests in Metro Apartments tell me that Big C and Central Festival are quite empty and that you'd miss people even if you had a blunderbuss.
The wife and kids are currently visiting her village and family while I toil away here in Pattaya - but then again somebody's got to do it!!
On a personal matter and as there are a few people who read this who will want to know - I went to get my back sorted with Nigel. A nice bloke who poked and prodded me several times, he obviously knows what he's doing. After a few visits the backache has improved a bit but not been fixed completely. I need a couple of more sessions but can't seem to find the time. I do nonetheless recommend him to people who ask. There!
That's all for now - except for a few jokes.
Lighten Up 90! - Ryanair
A PLANE ANSWER
A mother and her young son were flying Ryanair from Dublin to Malaga. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Ryanair always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
A mother and her young son were flying Ryanair from Dublin to Malaga. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Ryanair always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Soi LK Metro July 2009
Well, it's already mid July - I know that because today is my birthday - and the streets are ....... sort of quiet!
Curries as I mentioned before is closed for two or three months according to the owners; The Blue Moon has changed hands but presumably in the midst of planning it tends to close around 10 pm nightly as does the FCUK Inn.
There are a few places on the street for sale I believe, as in they are actively being advertised in the press. Most places have a 'rooms available' or something similar out front. For the sake of comparison, at Metro Apartments, subject to additional bookings, we are about 20% lower in August than in 2008. We are still doing fine but it will be the worst August in four!
Tomorrow night Anna, the night - time cashier in Metro Apartments will celebrate her birthday. I will be recovering from mine as will a friend Dave whose birthday it is also today! As if by magic, a long-term friend of mine and others, 'El Capitano' arrived in town yesterday. He was mumbling something about weeks of holiday before having to 'work' one week before having another holiday! Well, well,... in my day .....
Around town several places seem to have cut their losses and pulled the shutters. There also seems to be a lot of advertising activity on the local TV channels offering would-be businessmen the opportunity to have the next successful entertainment venue in / near Walking Street! Now there!
Curries as I mentioned before is closed for two or three months according to the owners; The Blue Moon has changed hands but presumably in the midst of planning it tends to close around 10 pm nightly as does the FCUK Inn.
There are a few places on the street for sale I believe, as in they are actively being advertised in the press. Most places have a 'rooms available' or something similar out front. For the sake of comparison, at Metro Apartments, subject to additional bookings, we are about 20% lower in August than in 2008. We are still doing fine but it will be the worst August in four!
Tomorrow night Anna, the night - time cashier in Metro Apartments will celebrate her birthday. I will be recovering from mine as will a friend Dave whose birthday it is also today! As if by magic, a long-term friend of mine and others, 'El Capitano' arrived in town yesterday. He was mumbling something about weeks of holiday before having to 'work' one week before having another holiday! Well, well,... in my day .....
Around town several places seem to have cut their losses and pulled the shutters. There also seems to be a lot of advertising activity on the local TV channels offering would-be businessmen the opportunity to have the next successful entertainment venue in / near Walking Street! Now there!
Horse Nappies again! The 'Official' Story!
Just in case you were as confused as I was about the Killarney Nappy Affair, here is the latest on the story from Yahoo! I must say I sort of sympathize with the National Parks people!
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/18/20090714/tod-irish-national-park-bans-horses-with-7f81b96.html
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/18/20090714/tod-irish-national-park-bans-horses-with-7f81b96.html
Thursday, July 9, 2009
What's on TV?
Occasionally, we get asked what sports we cover on TV. Well, below is a list of the next few days just to give you an idea:
Thursday: Cricket - The Ashes; Golf - The Scottish Open; Cycling - Tour De France.
Friday: As Thursday plus AFL and NRL from Australia delayed on Australia Network.
Saturday: As Friday plus F1 Qualifying and some GAA (depending on Broadband speeds).
Sunday: As Saturday with F1 Race and possibly more GAA.
We try to cover as much as possible to satisfy the wishes of as many people as possible. On other occasions we have SBK, GP2, MotoGP, Tennis and sometimes Athletics and Boxing. Generally we do not cover Horse racing.
Now you know!
Thursday: Cricket - The Ashes; Golf - The Scottish Open; Cycling - Tour De France.
Friday: As Thursday plus AFL and NRL from Australia delayed on Australia Network.
Saturday: As Friday plus F1 Qualifying and some GAA (depending on Broadband speeds).
Sunday: As Saturday with F1 Race and possibly more GAA.
We try to cover as much as possible to satisfy the wishes of as many people as possible. On other occasions we have SBK, GP2, MotoGP, Tennis and sometimes Athletics and Boxing. Generally we do not cover Horse racing.
Now you know!
Not just in Thailand...
A few days ago I was chatting to some friends from Ireland. Well, while we may think that there are daft things going on here, they were telling me a story which clearly means we, here, do not have a monopoly on daft laws.
Apparently in Killarney, Co. Kerry, where for at least four generations they have had jaunting cars - it would seem their days are coming to an end ...... unless ..... they put nappies (diapers) on the horses! Yep, it would seem that in Killarney the latest flock of law-makers on the local council or whatever it is they have there, definitely have had enough of horse poop on the streets of the town. A horse wearing a nappy .... it could only happen in Ireland.
There is a way out though - if the driver takes a bag and spade with him to scoop up the poop - yes, a poop scoop, then that's OK. I haven't seen a photo yet of the said equine diaper nor do I know who makes them but there must be an export market somewhere for this Irish, technological advancement. Whatever next?
Apparently in Killarney, Co. Kerry, where for at least four generations they have had jaunting cars - it would seem their days are coming to an end ...... unless ..... they put nappies (diapers) on the horses! Yep, it would seem that in Killarney the latest flock of law-makers on the local council or whatever it is they have there, definitely have had enough of horse poop on the streets of the town. A horse wearing a nappy .... it could only happen in Ireland.
There is a way out though - if the driver takes a bag and spade with him to scoop up the poop - yes, a poop scoop, then that's OK. I haven't seen a photo yet of the said equine diaper nor do I know who makes them but there must be an export market somewhere for this Irish, technological advancement. Whatever next?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Lighten Up 89! - Irish Definitions
Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
------------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can
keep the money?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
--------- ----------------------------------------------------
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
"Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
-------------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
------------ -------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
------------------------------------------------------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
------------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
------------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
------------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty." "That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can
keep the money?"
-------------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
--------- ----------------------------------------------------
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
"Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
-------------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?" "It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
------------ -------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
------------------------------------------------------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
Lighten Up 88! - Wedding Night
THE WEDDING NIGHT
Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet.
She replies - No.
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think ! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - Never mind what you think ! Eat your lunch and go back to school.
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
His mom says - No.
He asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - OK - now tell me what you think
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think..
I gave him my airplane glue.
Paul and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.
In the morning Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom if Paul and Mary are up yet.
She replies - No.
Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think ! Just go to school.
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
She replies - No.
Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - Never mind what you think ! Eat your lunch and go back to school.
After school - Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary up yet ?
His mom says - No.
He asks - Do you know what I think ?
His mom replies - OK - now tell me what you think
He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think..
I gave him my airplane glue.
Lighten Up 87! - Hypnotist
It was entertainment night at the old people's home.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old people's home...
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat
'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations'.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's finger and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the old people's home...
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Bangkok's Begging Elephants
Bangkok Metropolitan Administration Governor Sukhumbhand Paribatra is reportedly going to rid the streets of Bangkok of begging elephants within the next 12 months. Well, I never! There I was thinking that the begging elephants had been banned years and years ago. Even in Pattaya they disappeared off the streets for a while. Occasionally they come along Soi LK Metro but not very often. A good thing too - it's very depressing to see the animals being taken along traffic-filled streets so that tourists can fund the activities of the blokes with them. What a pity the previous attempts to take them off the streets didn't work. Maybe the Mayor of Pattaya will adopt the same policy here.
Buddhist Lent
If you are not here, you've got something to cheer about! You've even got more to cheer about if you were here for the multiple 'closed days' in the run-up to and during the elections December 07 - April 08. Next week sees official closing on 7th and 8th July as Buddhist Lent begins. No doubt, ere will be some places open with little or no lights but as many as before? I mean, it's not exactly as if the place is stuffed with tourists these days!
Friday, July 3, 2009
New Gadgets - removed!
I have removed some of the new gadgets I had put on the sidebar because they don't work and I hate crap like that. I will try to select other ones later. Sorry if you tried to use them!
Is is true that when you look at the clock one the Metro website that although it says Pattaya time at the bottom, it actually reports YOUR time wherever you are in the world?
Let me know please through the comment facility at the bottom of this post.
Thanks
Is is true that when you look at the clock one the Metro website that although it says Pattaya time at the bottom, it actually reports YOUR time wherever you are in the world?
Let me know please through the comment facility at the bottom of this post.
Thanks
Lighten Up 86! - Beware Scam!!
Thanks CMcG.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called 'Beer' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
Lighten Up - 84! - Renault and Ford to Merge
Thanks JB.
RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE
Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis
for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus.
The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.
Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE
Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis
for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus.
The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash.
Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
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