Guess!

JB.
?










Yep, welcome to prison.

It's a new Prison in UK!

Prison vs Work

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

@ PRISON	@ WORK
You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell @ PRISON	you spend the majority of your time In an 6X6 cubicle /office @ WORK
You get three meals a day fully paid for @ PRISON	you get a break for one meal and You have to pay for it @ WORK
You get time off for good behaviour	you get more work for Good behaviour
@ PRISON The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you @ PRISON	@ WORK You must often carry a security card And open all the doors for yourself @ WORK
You can watch TV and play games @ PRISON	you could get fired for watching TV and playing games @ WORK
You get your own toilet @ PRISON	you have to share the toilet with Some people who pee on the seat @ WORK
They allow your family and friends to visit @ PRISON	you aren't even supposed to speak To your family @ WORK
All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required @ PRISON	you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from Your salary to pay for prisoners @ WORK
You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out	you spend most of your time wanting To get out and go inside bars
@ PRISON You must deal with sadistic wardens	@ WORK They are called managers

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.

Riddles - 1

Thanks JB.

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires. The second is full of assassins with loaded guns. The third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?>

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.. Try to do so without any coaching!





Think about the riddles more before you scroll down to the answers!!!!
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1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days: yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter 'e', which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

Lighten Up 66! 20 Shots

Thanks CMcG.

A large and very loud American goes into a bar in Glasgow.

"I hear tell all you Scotch people are real hard drinkers." he says in a big booming voice, "Now you folks just don't know what hard drinking is! Why I'll wager a bet with any man to drink 20 shots of whisky one after the other and give you $500 dollars if you can do it.

"No-one takes up the challenge. One bloke even leaves!"Well, there ya go, sure proves my point!" the American says disgustedly.

A few minutes later the guy who left comes in and says "Hey Big Man, is that bet still on?""Sure as hell is!" and he orders a line up of 20 glasses of whisky.

The man runs along the bar, grabbing each glass and throwing back the contents,to huge cheers and the astonishment of the American. The American of course tries to do it as well,but can't pass the 17th, so he gives the bloke the $500.

"Tell me," slurs the Yank, "where did you go before you (hic!) came back in again."

"Eh? oh aye" says the man pocketing the bills,"I went tae another pub just tae make sure Ah could dae it!"

Hell Club - Phoenix from the Ashes!

I am reliably informed that the Hell Club will re-open within around 10 days under a new name - The Devil's Den. The adjacent Inn has been renamed 'Heaven's Inn'.

Some sporting events coming up in May where we try to cater for all tastes.

Soi LK Metro - Anything new?

As of yesterday the Hell Club had still not re-opened.

The Blue Moon still has a for sale sign outside as does Zion House.

The Haven is still on the market as far as I am aware.

I don't know of other places for sale.

Ice is apparently being re-launched in the very near future no longer as a Go-Go or Coyote bar but rather as a 'normal' bar. Good Luck Eddie.

The end of Songkran saw a large water truck parked in the soi just outside Club Blu, spraying up and down Soi Boukhao. When they ran out of water (about 5,000 litres) they went off and got a re-fill! So much for water shortages in Pattaya!

Curries, the Indian shop, diagonally across the street from me is up and running but I have insufficient reports on the value-for-money or quality.

The Italian pizza place next to Metro Apartments hasn't been open now for the last two months. They just seem to have disappeared!

Storm has now been re-named Billabong Hotel and is Aussie-run. Lloydies, as reported earlier has been re-named Armageddon and is also Aussie-run.

Traveller's Rest had a birthday party last week with some Alkazar dancers as part of the entertainment!

In passing - Gerry I got the mag!

Lighten Up 65! - April 1st

Thanks Gerry B.

The Night of April 1st

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 71 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what

happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: I was, sitting there in my swing on front porch on a warm spring evening,

When a young man comes creeping up on the and sat down beside me..

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good... Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him..

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' and ran off ..

And that's when I shot him ............ the little bastard.

Lighten Up 64! - Lions in Mozambique

Thanks JB.

Lighten Up 63! - A Thank You Letter

Thanks Andy.

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today


Dear Lions Bay School ,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to f*ck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

Lighten Up 62! - New Dubai Metro

Thanks Mark.

Lighten Up 61! - Great Doctor

Thanks SJ.

I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Apparently what kills you is speaking English.

Songkran Road Statistics

For those not in Thailand at present you might be interested to know that up to yesterday, Saturday, there were 373 deaths and 4,332 injuries in 3,977 road accidents nationwide over the week-long Songkran festival. The number will probably rise as the party isn't over here until this evening. The strange thing is that ChiangRai reported the nighest number of accidents!

Lighten Up 60! - Canadian in New Zealand

Thanks again GT.

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay boys. He's one of us."

Lighten Up 59! - The Lone Ranger's Last Request

Thanks GT.


The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ..

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request ?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request ?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen Very Carefully !!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID ...

"BRING SOME POSSE"

Lighten Up 58! English Council Complaints

From JB.




ENGLISH COUNCIL COMPLAINTS FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY
These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19.Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

Troubles?

In contrast to reports in British media, life in fun city proceeds as always. Additionally, on a positive note, the previously escalating situation in Bangkok has receded. Many of the protesters have returned to the provinces. In the midst of all this there are reports that Songkran is going to be lengthened by two days and now end on Friday in the capital city. After the activities of the last couple of days a bit or RnR is called for.

Back to normal. Hey ho, hey ho, it's off to the bar we go........ :)-

Troubles in Fun City? - Nope!

Most seasoned visitors to Pattaya are well enough clued up so as to make the right decisions in times like these when Thailand is a leading news story around the world. The protests flashing across TV screens worldwide are events in Bangkok. Apart from the protests last week when the ASEAN summit was supposed to have taken place in The Royal Cliff Resort Hotel, Pattaya just gets on with holiday making. Current developments in Bangkok have little effect on what happens here. Residents and tourists alike just get on with getting on with each other as you'd expect in a tourist resort.

A casual drive around this afternoon indicated that Songkran had gotten off to a moist start. Numerous bars had supplier of water outside to 'cool' passers-by! Events in Bangkok couldn't have been further from people's minds.

People continue to arrive in town and continue to email looking for accommodation. The proximity of the new airport to Pattaya means that travellers can avoid Bangkok metropolis completely and zip down here in about 1 - 1.5 hours. While smaller properties continue to offer value-for-money rooms, some of the larger, more up-market hostelries have suffered a setback through the absence of 'package deal' visitors on whom they depend. What this means is that the town is somewhat 'quieter' than it might otherwise have been.

Unfortunately, the exchange rate continues to be unfavourable for visitors. However, with the current worldwide economic downturn, more crunch than credit, cheaper flights than a year ago and an expectation that the exchange rate will come under pressure through decreasing exports, more favourable rates might well be just round the corner.

In the meantime, in Pattaya it is 'business as usual'.

Lighten Up 57! NHS Tales.

Cheers JB.

A man dashes into the A&E dept. And yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'.I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.Submitted by Dr.Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf females patients anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' ... I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied the patient.Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. .. I asked. 'The GTN patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours And now I'm running out of places to put it!'I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?'After a look of complete confusion she answered . .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used To the taste.'. . .Bob replied.I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labelled 'KY Jelly.'Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary.

A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation...When she was Completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . .'Keep off The grass.'Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry... Had to mow the lawn.'

Recent Developments on Soi LK Metro or lack of same!

Back in December I wrote about the Blue Moon changing hands. Well, the Norwegian bloke who bought it has it on the market as of now.

Zion House, the motorbike hire shop across the street from Metro Apartments is also on the market as is The Haven Bar next door to it. So business is looking up for the local sign makers!

The local constabulary have been in the street again checking licences, IDs of staff and in some instances 'pee'. In keeping with good policing they have visited places at random, so no doubt we'll see them soon.

The credit crunch is still having an unpredictable effect on some tourists' plans. There have been a few short notice cancellations of late in the street as money becomes more scare and jobs insecure. I suspect there will not be as many lads 'songkraning' next week.

Elsewhere in town, in Soi Yamato to be exact, The Clinic Sports Bar is still on the market with occasional interested parties making enquiries according to Derek.

On Third Road, Gordon who used to run Memories in Soi LK Metro has now opened a bar called The Fairway. No surprises for guessing that he is a golfer!

Over the last few weeks we've had a number of lads in from Co. Down and Co. Armagh. It's a nice change to meet nice lads with a 'Nornirish' accent - made me feel like I was back in a local.

Lighten Up 56! Hotel Bill.

Thanks Cornelius.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains. 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again. 'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.' 'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. 'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

April - Some Sporting Events

Although most people think of Songkran in April, we tend to think more about the hectic scoccer schedule as the Champions League, FA Cup and Premier League come to a close as well as the closing stages of the Heineken Cup! Can Munster carry on as last year and make 2009 a truely memorable year for Irish Rugby? The next round of the Heineken Cup is 11 and 12 April and at this time I do not knokw which channels will show which matches.

A Little Bit of April Foolery!

Some previous April Fool's Day jokes. Enjoy.



In 1977...

the BBC gave airtime to Tom Jackson, General Secretary of the British Union of Post Office Workers. Mr. Jackson was up in arms about a recent proposal that the British mail adopt the German method of addressing envelopes in which the house number is written after the name of the road, not before it (i.e. Downing Street 10, instead of 10 Downing Street). Jackson spoke at great length about the enormous burden this change would place upon postal employees, insisting that "Postal workers would be furious because it would turn upside-down the way we have learned to sort." His comments elicited an immediate reaction from the audience, many of whom phoned up to voice their support for Jackson's campaign. What the audience didn't realize was that there were no plans to change the way the British addressed their mail. Mr. Jackson's diatribe was an elaborate April Fool's Day joke.



In 1990...

the News of the World reported that the Chunnel project, which was already suffering from huge cost overruns, would face another big additional expense caused by a colossal engineering blunder. Apparently the two halves of the tunnel, being built simultaneously from the coasts of France and England, would miss each other by 14 feet. The error was attributed to the fact that French engineers had insisted on using metric specifications in their blueprints. The mistake would reportedly cost $14 billion to fix.



In 1991...

the London Times announced that the Department of Transport had finalized a plan to ease congestion on the M25, the circular highway surrounding London. The capacity of the road would be doubled by making the traffic on both carriageways travel in the same direction. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays the traffic would travel clockwise; while on Tuesdays and Thursdays it would travel anti-clockwise. The plan would not operate on weekends. It was said that the scheme was almost certain to meet with the cabinet's approval, despite voices of protest coming from some quarters. One of the protesters included a spokesman for Labour Transport who reportedly warned that "Many drivers already have trouble telling their left from their right." Also, a resident of Swanley, Kent was quoted as saying, "Villagers use the motorway to make shopping trips to Orpington. On some days this will be a journey of two miles, and on others a journey of 117 miles. The scheme is lunatic." Thankfully, the scheme existed only in the minds of the writers at the Times.



In 1995...

the Glasgow Herald described the recent arrival in Britain of a new energy-saving miracle: heat-generating plants. These plants, known by the scientific name Solar Complexus Americanus, were imports from Venezuela. One plant alone, fed by nothing more than three pints of water a day, generated as much heat as a 2kw electric fire. A few of these horticultural wonders placed around a house could entirely eliminate the need for a central-heating system. And when submerged in water, the plants created a constant supply of hot water. The Scandinavian botanist responsible for discovering these hot-air producers was none other than Professor Olaf Lipro (an anagram of April Fool).



In 1973...

Westward Television, a British TV studio, produced a documentary feature about the village of Spiggot. As the documentary explained, the stubborn residents of this small town were refusing to accept the new decimal currency recently adopted by the British government, preferring instead to stick with the traditional denominations they had grown up with. As soon as the documentary was over, the studio received hundreds of calls expressing support for the brave stand taken by the villagers. In fact, many of the callers voiced their intention to join in the anti-decimal crusade. Unfortunately for this burgeoning rebellion, the village of Spiggot did not exist.



In 1999...

the Today program on BBC Radio 4 announced that the British National anthem ("God Save the Queen") was to be replaced by a Euro Anthem sung in German. The new anthem, which Today played for their listeners, used extracts from Beethoven's music and was sung by pupils of a German school in London. Reportedly, Prince Charles's office telephoned Radio 4 to ask them for a copy of the new anthem. St. James Palace later insisted that it had been playing along with the prank and had never been taken in by it.



In 1994...

an article by John Dvorak in the April issue of PC Computing magazine described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the Internet while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill was supposedly numbered 040194 (i.e. 04/01/94), and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof (April Fools backwards). The article said that the FBI was going to use the bill to tap the phone line of anyone who "uses or abuses alcohol" while accessing the Internet. Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?" The article offered this explanation for the origin of the bill: "The moniker 'Information Highway' itself seems to be responsible for SB 040194... I know how silly this sounds, but Congress apparently thinks being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is." The article generated so many outraged phone calls to Congress that Senator Edward Kennedy's office had to release an official denial of the rumor that he was a sponsor of the bill.



In 1979...

London's Capital Radio announced that Operation Parallax would soon go into effect. This was a government plan to resynchronize the British calendar with the rest of the world. It was explained that ever since 1945 Britain had gradually become 48 hours ahead of all other countries because of the constant switching back and forth from British Summer Time. To remedy this situation, the British government had decided to cancel April 5 and 12 that year. Capital Radio received numerous calls as a result of this announcement. One employer wanted to know if she had to pay her employees for the missing days. Another woman was curious about what would happen to her birthday, which fell on one of the cancelled days.



In 1976...

the British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.



In 1957...

the respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, "place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best."