Lighten Up 55! Bull Humour.

Thanks GT (modified).

My wife and I went to the Lincolnshire county farm show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week! ...........You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Lighten Up 54! Health Insurance.

Thanks to Cornelius for this one.

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Hell Club Closure

Well, a week and a half after closure that is still the situation. Apparently the venue will re-open soon under a new name. Watch this space for news on this.

St. Patrick's Day 2009 Some Photos

At last I have managed to collate some of the photos taken on 17th March. Fortunately, several cameras were involved but with different formats I still have some unpublished as yet. Working on it.

Brown gets a ticking off in Brussels

Sent to me by a mate JB:

This is a Brit member of the EU parliament giving grief to Brit PM Gordon Brown..........for doing the same thing to the Brits that Obama is doing to the US----bankrupting the nation.
Unfortunately, we don't have a member of Congress eloquent enough and sufficiently testicularly equipped to do this. Pity!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94lW6Y4tBXs


In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.- John Adams

Lighten Up 53! Ozzie Best Joke of the Year?

Thanks Gerry D.

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........ 'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing,money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia.' The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian' She says , 'No, I am from Africa!' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?' The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

Lighten Up 52! Texas Work Force Department

A man owned a small Ranch In Texas. The Texas Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the Rancher.

April - Some Sporting Events

It may or may not be the month when Songkran takes place but for us there is a lot of sport: Champions League, FA Cup and Premier League all getting closer to the end. Additionally, on 11 and 12 April there is the next round of the Heineken Cup - more Irish success? At the time of drawing up the April ad and, indeed, still as of now there is no clear news which Heineken Cup games will be shown live and on which channels - post later to clarify this. Anyway, some of the month's events below:

Lighten Up 51! Bless me Father for I have sinned!

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Charlie?' 'Yes, Father, it is.''And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Charlie, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Mary Walsh?' 'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Brown?' I'll never tell.''

'Was it Margaret Doyle?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?' 'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Catherine 0'Toole, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped Charlie, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Charlie walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five good leads.'

Lighten Up 50! FIRST TIME SEX............

Well, what with one thing and another it's been a while since I posted. I am still struggling with photos from St. Patrick's Day but will post soon. In the meantime a joke!

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.

The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

Ten minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns & whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Lighten Up 49! A Joke for St. Patrick's Day!

Three blokes were having a pint and discussing modern advances in today's world. Trying to impress the Japanese bloke said that in his country they recently replaced a patient's heart and he was up and about looking for work after six months!

Not to be outdone the American bloke recalled how in the States they can now repair livers and within four months the patient is looking for work!

Now Paddy didn't know much about medical advances in Ireland but decided not to be outdone by either of the other two.

"Hell, that's nothing." he said. "Last year in Ireland we put an asshole in charge of the country and within three months 200,000 thousand were looking for work!!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Where are the Rest Rooms? 4

St. Patrick's Day

Complimentary food for the up-coming St. Patrick's Day is as follows:

Beef Stew
Pig on a Spit
Potato Salad
Coleslaw
Steamed Rice
Sweet 'n Sour Chicken
Panang Pork Curry
Tom Yam Gung.

Murphy's Stout 165 Baht / 500 ml
Jameson's Whiskey 75 Baht / 35 ml.

Many good Irish artists on DVD Multi-screen.

All Welcome! Tell you friends!

Where are the Rest Rooms? 3

In-flight Magazines Again

Well, I said they were popular - so much so in fact that they are being pinched! GD from Oz has sent me an email asking which ones I'd like so as not to duplicate what we have - well, don't worry just bring them along! It's amazing just what little nuggets of information you find in them. Thanks in advance.

Lighten Up! 48 - Voted the best Australian joke 2008‏

Thanks to an email from JB. Just had to post this:

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

Polite Request - Follow Up

A while back I asked about the possibility of guests bring the complimentary in-flight magazine to me as we'd thrown out all the old ones. Well, thanks to Frank and Dave for bringing the first two - they'll get a beer on my return from Bangkok. Looking through them briefly - they are interesting if you haven't seen one for a while. So, please don't forget.

Bangkok

Just been spending some time in Bangkok for a bit of R n R. Interestingly most places say business is still down and some of the overnight eateries are now stopping early!

Where are the Rest Rooms? 2